I'm calling this right now....the Red Wings are going to suffer a major blow to one of their stars this season. One they will not recover from. I don't have any evidence to base this on, it's just what my "magic eight ball" told me. Followed are the players that will miss time and how it will happen:
Henrik Zetterberg - Ruptured Scrotum - Following an entire preseason of practicing against his own defenders who clutch and grab him at will, he is surprised at the amount of open ice that awaits him when defenders actually play within the rules. The sheer notion of unobstructed play makes him climax so hard during a game that one of his nuts actually explodes out of his coin purse. Said testicle is carried in a bag behind the bench for the rest of the season for emotional support.
Pavel Datsyuk - Arrested - Pavel decides to celebrate his Cup win by finally meeting up with "manmeat69", who he chats with regularly through an online dating service. Upon showing up to his sensual encounter, he is instead greeted by a plate full of cookies....and Chris Hanson. Even though he swore he only showed up to "talk hockey", he could not explain the duffel bag containing benoit balls and an anal taser. He is promptly arrested and sentenced to 2 years house arrest with Wayne Gretzky.
Marian Hossa - Suicide - A quarter of the way through the year and near the bottom of the scoring list, Hossa realizes how overrated he is. He cuts his own head of with a table saw out of despair. No one misses him and the body is not found for 6 months. Players keep his head behind the bench with Zetterberg's nut.