Your Star is So Ugly

I recently received an email from ESPN about their upcoming NHL preview issue. You have several choices of which cover to go with. It seems fitting that Halloween is right around the corner, because when I opened my email, I was greeted with this:


Jesus. Christ. And to think, they were actually trying to make him look "good". There are amish men who wouldn't let this guy bang their wives he's so ugly. Seriously, crawl back in the block of ice you were thawed from. I always think of "Men in Black" when I see Ovechkin, believing he is a being from some distant world, only trying to fit in by disguising himself as human. I had a moment of despair at the sheer horror of thinking that millions of hockey fans around the world were going to have to get past this ghastly cover to get to the news and info that they desire, until I saw this:

I know you could swap this cover for Seventeen instead of ESPN, but at least he's definitely human.