Friday, November 14, 2008

Some people approach me on the street and ask me, "Bob, why do you like hockey?" I respond, "Because I have to write about it." Hey, we all have crappy parts to our job. At least I'm trying. It's just not as easy to write about as the Steelers. Give me Louis Lipps over that Malkin guy any day. Just like Tuesday night against that team from Detroit. A lot of people will tell you that was one of the greatest games they've ever seen. Please. Doesn't anyone remember the Sunday night Steeler's game from earlier this year when they pulled out a shocking victory over the Cleveland Browns, 10-7? That was intense. Which brings me to my biggest problem with hockey: too much action and drama.

Where's all the stoppages in play and the 40 seconds between actual plays on the field like football? I don't even have time to proposition the blonde guy in the row behind me at a hockey game. It's all so fast paced and....exciting. Who needs that? Another problem with hockey...where's all the timeouts? I only recently found out that they only get one, one, per game. I'm sorry but there is no more exciting play in sports than when an opposing coach calls a timeout right before a deciding field goal attempt. Now that's drama! In my opinion, the people in charge of the NHL need to take a long look at an NBA game if they really want to see how to end a game. In a recent Cavaliers game I watched there were closet to 20 timeouts in the last 3 minutes. Now that's excitement!

The Pens faced off against the Flyers last night. You know what I hate more than having herpes? Philadelphia. What a shit hole. Did you see the Eagles beat the Steelers earlier this season? Christ. Ben was pretty sore after that one. I got to interview him while he was half-naked and receiving a rub down by the trainer. If there is a Heaven, it would surely resemble this scenario.
I was asked to do a recap but it's just too damn much for me to keep up with at one time. The Pens jumped out to a 3-0 lead, somehow without the aid of Jeff Reed. I guess that's a sizable lead in hockey. However, it's been one that the Pens just can't seem to keep a hold of this year. Then some guy scored for the Flyers. I heard the guy behind me say his name. Faggot Carter. People are getting way out of hand with the names they give their kids nowadays. I wanted to be offended but this Carter guy was kind of a looker. So it was just another deposit at the spank bank. Then, two more goals from Philly. Something was wrong here. Goal number four. Ouch. Just like that, the Pens were behind.

The third period wasn't looking good. I had all but given up and begun writing my 8th Steelers article of the week when Sid banged one home. Nice thought. Regulation ends with the score 4-4.

Nothing happened in overtime and I was about to call it a night when I heard this strange word I had never heard before. Shootout. In the two hours that I pay attention to hockey every year I have never heard this term. Apparently, each team selects a lone skater to attempt a breakaway shot on the opposing teams goalie. Boring. I had to sit and watch six rounds of this crap until a young, nubile Pens player with a weird last name that I'm not even going to attempt scored the winner. Everyone around me stood the entire time. For what? Was there a coin flip taking place? Was the quarterback about to spike the ball into the ground? I admire hockey's attempt to be as exciting as football, maybe next time. Until then, I'm going to do a little more looking into this Faggot Carter guy. Smizik out.

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