Is it Monday Night Yet?

Salutations, sports fans. If you don't know me, I'm Bob Smizik, sports writer extraordinaire. I have been tasked by the Wicked Wrister to provide game previews and predictions for upcoming Penguins games.

I'm new to all of this "hockey" coverage, however I did point out one of the reasons that the Pens would lose on Tuesday night. Fighting. That's all they did all night. Did you see? That's why they only had 11 shots! That Sidney guy and the Russian were too busy looking to fight. Who do they think they are? James Farrior? Now that's a fighter. If I were to build an NFL defense around anyone it would be James....sorry. I don't usually write more than one article a week. Also, that article is usually about the Steelers. Greatest team of all time. If Hines Ward would run for president and was a Republican, I would vote for him, despite the fact that I am a huge, flaming Liberal. Gay rights, people!

The Penguins tonight will take on the Phoenix Coyotes. I probably won't be watching because the game doesn't come on until 10 o' clock. That's way past this guy's bedtime. My bedtime ritual usually consists of slipping into my silk pajamas, lighting a few candles, and then crying myself to sleep as I watch either "Beaches" or "Steel Magnolias". Julia Roberts is the shit. This all takes place way before 10 o'clock so I may have to wing this one.

I don't know much about the Coyotes, but they must be one of the best teams in the league because behind the bench they have the greatest player to ever play the game, Wayne Gretzky, calling the shots as coach. Wow. I actually have heard of him. I doubt he's as good as Terry Bradshaw would've been if he'd have chosen hockey instead of football, but he's still the "Great One". Have you ever seen "Failure to Launch"? You actually get to see Terry's bare ass in that one! I fancy myself an aficionado on asses and I give that bad boy a solid "8". Even in his older years, Terry still gets my blood flowing. What a man.

There's not much more to tell you about the Coyotes. They play in Phoenix and Wayne is their coach. That's about all I have. I had a hell of a time just spelling "Phoenix" right, so google wasn't much help to me.

I'm giving the Pens the advantage tonight because they may have the best swimming team in the league. They're playing in Arizona, people. There's no way that ice doesn't melt before the game is over. It's hot there. Like it was in 1995 when the Steelers played in Super Bowl XXX. I saw Ernie Mills in the locker room after that one, naked and crying. He left my house the same way later on that week. Solid football player that man was.